As many of us have likely experienced, especially if we were raised in any kind of dysfunctional family system (which many—if not all—of us were), our boundaries can be violated by another person and leave us confused and reeling without necessarily understanding why. Oftentimes this leads to blaming other people for our emotions, which are not their responsibility, just like their emotions are not our responsibility. This is actually detrimental to our growth and evolution as a human being because it stunts individuation and reinforces the victim mentality and blame shifting game that makes so many of us feel like we’re running our legs off without actually getting anywhere. So, how can you begin setting healthier boundaries for yourself? The first step is getting to know your true self.
What do I mean when I say your true self as opposed to your false self? What is the false self? Well, the false self is a crudely constructed version of us that is based on the ego, cultural, societal, and family conditioning, life experiences, and the brain’s uncanny ability to predict which reaction might be appropriate for whatever circumstance you find yourself in, typically triggering an over-reactive fight or flight response that can wreak havoc on our lives if left unchecked. The true self is you, at your core level, your soul, which is suppressed or hidden by the ego and all of its false constructs. The inner workings of the human body, mind, and spirit are incredibly fascinating to learn about, and one of the most incredible aspects of being human is the fact that no one else except for you can experience the journey, pain, and illumination of the inner work you do.
So, what does this mean in practical terms? How can you learn who you truly are at your core versus the skewed, flat character everyone around you told you that you were for your entire life? If you base your opinions of yourself on what people around you tell you is “true,” then you have a ways to go (but don’t feel bad... the vast majority of us have a ways to go!). Let’s take a look at some practical habits you can begin implementing to truly get to know who you are at the soul level.
5 Ways to Get to Know Your Soul Self
1. Do not allow others’ opinions to dictate your life.
Make your own decisions based on your inner knowing or intuition as well as utilizing your mind for logical evaluation without judging any of the emotions that may come up. Some of this work can be challenging or painful, so be prepared to have layers of understanding begin to peel back and sometimes shock you with new knowledge of yourself and the ways in which various types of subconscious conditioning and programming have altered your perception of reality. It is fine to seek out an expert if you need specific guidance or help, but it helps to be on the same or a similar wavelength with this expert so that the advice or input you need will resonate with you rather than throw you off track.
2. Stop allowing other people to tell you how you feel (or don’t).
People are not mind readers and do not know how you feel from their perspective outside of you, and it’s illogical to believe that they do. Be wary of unconscious statements such as, “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re overreacting.” “You’re too emotional.” “Stop letting your emotions control you.” These types of statements are often used by people who are as of yet unaware of the rich inner landscape that you are working on (typically because they have not begun developing their own yet). The fact of the matter is that they have no clue and the only reason they think they do is because you allow them to tell you how you feel rather than acknowledging your own emotions as they are, not as they are perceived by others outside of yourself.
3. Don’t project or dictate to someone else how they feel.
It is definitely possible to understand how someone else may feel within a certain circumstance and to put yourself in this person’s shoes. However, try not to make any assumptions about their words or actions and opt to fully listen rather than talk. If you find yourself feeling a certain way about something, bring up how you feel without blaming it on another person. You may choose to say something like, “Sometimes I feel like...” This leaves the other person feeling more at ease because you’re not blaming them for your own emotional state, but it also alerts them to things that they might be saying or doing to cross one of your boundaries. This is a subtle but excellent method for people who are self-aware and have a deeper understanding of the inner landscape.
4. Stop giving your energy and attention to people whose approval you are chasing.
If you have people in your life who keep you constantly chasing after their affection, approval, or love, you might be dealing with someone who doesn’t experience emotions the same way you do and may not have the self-awareness or capacity for doing the inner work you’re doing. There are many different types of unconscious people who are playing specific roles that their lives have conditioned them into, and if they haven’t begun doing any inner work for themselves, you cannot change them or force them to begin, nor can you expect a conscious, self-aware interaction with someone who does not possess those qualities or do the work to develop them. That’s okay; there’s nothing inherently “wrong” or “bad” about this, but if you fall into the trap of chasing the approval of an unconscious being, you are giving your power and energy away without any hope for future return on that investment. Just remember, you cannot control how someone outside of yourself chooses to respond to you. So why would you expend all that energy trying to make someone else see what you see when you could be utilizing your energy for your own growth or to nurture relationships that aren’t as unbalanced?
5. Begin to peel back the layers of epiphany about how you were programmed by society, culture, life, and experiences.
If you’re brave enough to take this step, you will probably already guess that this is a marathon, a journey, a process. Realizing your own subconscious conditioning (and that yes, YOU can actually change it) is something that is often painful and very revealing about yourself, your tendencies, and the traps you fall into throughout life. This often presents itself as behavioral patterns and circumstances that repeat themselves again and again until you’ve learned the deeper lesson you were supposed to learn. If you don’t learn the lesson, the circumstances will come back around again and often become more and more extreme until either you learn what you need to learn or you bury yourself further... or sometimes worse. Making a conscious effort to uncover these uncomfortable and sometimes painful truths about yourself and your life is the only way to completely rewrite your own programming and fully step into your power and be your true soul self.
I hope that this article helps you to begin to get to know your inner self, your soul, so that you may begin your own healing journey from within. It’s not enough to see the effects of your conditioning within the life around you; most people don’t make the connection between the inner and outer worlds unless they are at least a little self-aware. The more awareness and mindfulness we cultivate, the more inner work we can do, and the closer we get to becoming the greatest version of ourselves.
To learn more about the Mindfulness Movement and the International Mindfulness Federation, please visit:
http://executivecoachinguniversity.com/mindfulness-movement
