Although the types of addiction vary from sugar and shopping to alcohol and heroin, it is important to understand that the addictive behaviors themselves often have a root in the psyche or subconscious mind that is similar but unique for numerous people. Many times, people with addictions are filling some kind of emotional void or numbing unresolved or unhealed emotional traumas. Mindfulness and inner work can help you to understand where the addictive behaviors come from, whether they are an issue (for example, having a glass or two of wine on a Saturday night versus drinking two or more bottles a day all week long), and how to overcome them without as much risk of relapse and faster resilience if there is a stumble. The root cause of the behavior is what must be addressed, not the addiction itself, which is why many traditional treatments used to end up failing and people would relapse. Learning how to work on yourself from within is one of the most powerful ways to help yourself overcome many kinds of addiction. Read on to learn more about the inner work that will help you to let go of your addictions and embrace your true self.

Disclaimer: This article is not intended as a substitute for the medical advice of physicians. The reader should regularly consult a physician in matters relating to his/her health and particularly with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention.

Many people believe that addiction is something that you cannot possibly beat alone, but there is a different perspective to consider before setting such a hard limit upon the individuals who do suffer from addiction and don’t necessarily have a reliable support system to turn to. Or who have watched all of their old relationships fall apart due to codependency issues and now have to choose between well-earned personal freedom and codependency that nurtures an environment for relapse. Or maybe there are some toxic behaviors displayed by dysfunctional individuals and they actually purposely sabotage your progress in some way. No matter the situation, sometimes battling it out alone is the best thing you can do for yourself. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t ask for help if you need it or accept it if it’s offered, but the most important thing to remember is that you are the beginning and the end of your addiction.

You are the only person who is with you throughout your entire journey, from birth to death. No one else. So doesn’t it make sense that the root cause of your addictive behavior lies within you, a buried aspect of yourself that you are afraid of looking at directly because of the guilt and shame surrounding it? This is where inner work comes in, and you have to be determined and willing to feel all of your emotions, including fear and hatred and self-loathing. You must also be willing to love yourself completely, including those parts of yourself that you feel shame or guilt about and cover up with addictive behaviors.

Here are a few ways in which you may be able to help yourself overcome your addictions, mindfully and successfully.

1. Think of negative aspects of how your addictive behavior makes you feel, and positive aspects of how you feel when you are not tangled up in that addictive behavior. An example of this is when I quit smoking cigarettes. Rather than thinking about how much I missed it and how I missed the sensation, I would focus instead on how disgusting it was to have to hack up a bunch of nasty stuff all the time, constant stuffy noses, and my voice being too damaged to sing. Sure, the raspy voice is sorta sexy, but when I can’t even sing songs I wrote for my own voice, that’s pretty sad.

2. Listen to your body. When your pain levels increase (or your perception of the pain changes), it might be time to consider stopping the numbing. You may begin to notice that your pain actually increases after using any kind of substance to numb yourself, including alcohol and marijuana. While marijuana is much healthier for you overall and can be used for medicinal purposes, anything you use to numb your senses actually only numbs your perception of those senses, and when that perception becomes clear again, your pain seems worse than it was before. I think this is because your perception is remembering how bad the pain was before and at the same time longing for the numbness to come back, making it depressing as well as painful. Because we wear negative lenses while depressed and everything seems worse than it is, I think this has a lot to do with our perception of the pain and getting back to a “normal” sense of the pain we’re feeling rather than an over-inflated sense of it due to coming down from a substance.

3. Get to the root cause of your addictive behavior. Not all addictions involve outside substances, so the way your brain chemistry is altered during use of the substances creates the addiction, not the substance itself. Think about that for a minute. The substance itself doesn’t cause addiction; the way it alters your brain is what causes the addiction. That’s because addiction has to do with your prefrontal cortex and how your mind deals with cravings, rewards, and pleasure. If you were raised in an environment where you had to chase down attention or affection and love was very conditional, for example, you may fall prey to addictive behaviors because you’re tired of having to earn something you deserve no matter what (unconditional love from your parents in this example), and all that chasing is exhausting. Using a substance to keep yourself from caring enough to chase after that affection or simply feel good for no reason is the resulting solution. I think this is because we subconsciously know that we’re supposed to be joyful and happy, and when we can’t pinpoint what’s wrong in an easy way or a way in which we can avoid responsibility (or negative emotions toward people we care about), we turn to addictive substances or behaviors that make us feel good and give us that high, when really we should be connected to our souls and inspired from within most of the time, and that’s what we miss because on some level we remember that feeling. That example goes more into the spiritual realm, but both of these examples illustrate digging deep to figure out what the root cause of your addiction is, and knowing this allows you to be more understanding and compassionate toward yourself as you work through the self-healing process.

4. We’ve talked about substances, but not all addictions involve substances. There was a fantastic article in National Geographic magazine in October of 2017 about the brain science behind addiction, and many of the breakthroughs and cutting-edge ideas are due to incorporating mindfulness and neuroscience into their research. The human brain can re-wire itself through repetitive action, meaning you can overwrite any existing programming in your subconscious simply by replacing the habit and doing something else instead. This article featured a cure for addictions that involved sending electrical pulses to a certain part of the brain to suppress the craving center and disrupt that electrical energy flow within the brain, disrupting the addiction at the same time. Knowing this, it begins to become clear that you have all the power to change your behavior if you choose to accept it. But as they say, with great power comes great responsibility… this rings true on many levels, and this level is one of them. The more you choose to take responsibility for your own behavior and try to change it, the more your ego will fight you, and the more challenging your battle might become, at least temporarily. Or you can wait a couple of years for this electrical pulse treatment to come into the mainstream, but realize that you already have the power within your own mind to reprogram your behavior manually. It just takes more time and effort than some shocks to the brain.

5. Realize that your addiction is not you. You can also help keep yourself from perpetuating your addictive behavior patterns by referring to yourself differently. For example, rather than calling yourself a smoker in thought or conversation, begin calling yourself a non-smoker and keep referring to yourself in this way to re-condition your thoughts. Self-hypnosis and meditation are two ways in which you can also help yourself stay away from addictive behaviors, and you can create a custom positive mantra for yourself to affirm whatever it is you want to affirm based on your unique circumstances. You may also be able to find existing guided meditations or hypnosis recordings on YouTube, so it’s easy to begin to reprogram your own thinking in order to move forward and away from your addiction.

The goal isn’t to force yourself to abstain or feel like you’re fighting a constant uphill battle against an unseen enemy. This is the difficult method of doing things, and it leaves people rife for relapse, which is not a good thing no matter what type of addiction you’re dealing with. The real goal is to re-program your mind not to crave the thing you’re addicted to, to change the way it makes you feel entirely so that you can limit your indulgence to less desperate and more balanced levels. This is the way to get to the root of the problem and stop simply treating symptoms on the surface level. The best and most reliable way to lasting change is through the way you think and your perception of things. You don’t have to be what you’ve always been, and you don’t have to let an out of control habit define you as a person. You also don’t have to live in fear of being triggered all the time, as long as you go within and do the inner work necessary for true and lasting healing.

For more information about the Mindfulness Movement or the International Mindfulness Federation, please visit:

http://executivecoachinguniversity.com/mindfulness-movement

As we go through life, we typically have a series of experiences that are meant to teach us important lessons. Some of these experiences are wonderful and exciting, while other experiences are challenging or even traumatic. Why is it that most of us are more likely to remember the traumatic events and cling to those rather than focusing on the positive events and realizing that a balance of both is needed for a life to be fully experienced and fully lived? In this article, I’d like to discuss some ways to let go of the pain of the past and focus on remembering the happier times so that your perception of your own life, your story that you tell yourself, can be upgraded to be more beneficial to you and help you attract and manifest a more positive life experience overall.

No matter how hard you hang on to that grudge, it will never hurt the other person as much as it will hurt you and your wellbeing. Rather than getting revenge on that person (or hurting them somehow), you end up destroying yourself in the process and sabotaging your own growth and evolution as a human being.

So, what’s the solution? It’s easy to tell someone, “Let go, man. Just let go.” But what does that actually mean in practical terms, and how might this letting go process manifest itself? When we’re dealing with inner work, mindfulness, and intangible processes, it’s important to remember that what’s going on within you might look completely benign or unexpected to someone outside of yourself as they cannot feel your progress the way you can. All they see from their vantage point outside of you is that your “normal” behaviors have changed in some way.

Normally, this letting go process happens over time and somewhat organically (“Time heals all wounds.”); however, with each generation learning less and less about emotional expression and more and more about emotional suppression, it’s no wonder that mental health issues and stress problems have skyrocketed. Fortunately, it is becoming more and more obvious to more and more people that we are each responsible for our own lives and we create our experiences based on how we feel on a regular basis. People are realizing all over the world that we must change ourselves from within on an individual basis in order to see a positive impact in the world, and this is inspiring many people just like you to practice mindfulness, meditation, and personal accountability for all aspects of their lives.

Here are five ways to help you know that you’re in the process of letting go, and how you can encourage and speed up that process for yourself.

1. Recognize that the only person who you are really responsible for is you. If someone has done something hurtful to you in the past, letting go does not absolve them of their wrongdoing. Rather, it absolves you of carrying the burden of pain around with you for months, years, or even the rest of your life, lightening your load and allowing you to rise higher. If they can effortlessly go on with their lives despite something they have done that they “should” be feeling guilty about in your perception, then why should it be your responsibility to carry around any negative emotion or remnants of pain throughout your daily life?

2. Rather than turning your love and caring only outward toward other people, turn it inward to yourself first. Yes, this may feel like being selfish when you first start doing it, but I am here to let you know that everybody else is not your responsibility. I can’t even tell you how important that is, especially for those of us who are highly sensitive, empaths, or recovering people pleasers. It’s okay to focus on yourself and care for yourself first! It will actually help you to better care for those around you if you take care of yourself first. The common example of this is when you’re on an airplane and they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first.

“You cannot get sick enough to help sick people get better. You cannot get poor enough to help poor people thrive. It is only in your thriving that you have anything to offer anyone.”

– Abraham Hicks

3. Realize and remember that the past and future only exist in your mind. Past regrets and projections of worry into the future are your ego’s way of distracting you from the present moment, which is all there is. Think about it. The future exists only within the projections you give it, and the past exists only when you’re thinking about it or talking about it with someone else. It’s completely intangible, just as the future is. The only reality is in the here and now, so focusing and centering yourself in the present may give you a new perspective on life.

4. Blame is toxic to the blamer, so don’t project it onto anyone, no matter how much you feel something is their fault, and even if it is their fault. Forgive them for whatever it is they did, not for their sake (because they probably don’t feel bad about it anyway), but for your own sake and the sake of your sanity. Remembering that nobody’s perfect, everyone messes up from time to time, and it could happen to anyone may help you to get to a place of forgiveness and letting go of blame.

5. Finally, utilize the tools that are available to you to help yourself, whether that’s using tarot cards, EFT (tapping), somatic experiencing, hypnosis, chakra cleansing, or any other method you are drawn to. One of the most beneficial things you can do for yourself is to learn how to quiet your thoughts. Racing thoughts can be difficult to reel back in (they pick up momentum, just like anything else), which is why this is best achieved through a daily practice. Meditation can be a great start to doing this, training yourself to stop listening to every little thought that flies through your head and allowing those untamed thoughts to affect your emotions. When you meditate, it trains your mind to calm down and not be so frantic all the time. However, meditation is not the be all end all of this process, as the real habit is formed in your everyday activities, actions, and responses to situations that come up. Being mindful is a moment-to-moment habit, and once you’re able to practice this without necessarily meditating all the time (20-30 minutes a day is highly recommended for upkeep), you’ll be able to keep your thoughts turned down, so to speak, enough to where they don’t control your emotional state anymore and you can direct your focus on purpose.

Your emotional state is your responsibility, and this is the truth for everyone. This doesn’t mean that you don’t care or shut yourself off from others. Rather, it just means that you don’t make someone else’s problems into your problems. If you feel energetically capable of helping, then by all means, go for it… but it is always better to teach someone a skill so that they can help themselves. This is as true for emotions as it is for other areas of life, so understanding how your emotional system works and interacts with the rest of your body systems (your mind, ego, wellbeing, health, etc.) can ultimately mean the difference between thriving or merely surviving. With that said, I encourage you to keep learning about and practicing mindfulness! You have access to your inner power any time you choose to tap into it, so why not tap into it more often than not? Your soul is infinite and eternal, pure love and light. Only you can allow it to shine through in your everyday activities.

For more information about the Mindfulness Movement or the International Mindfulness Federation, please visit:

http://executivecoachinguniversity.com/mindfulness-movement

Let’s face it… sometimes we have to let go of certain relationships in our lives to make room for other relationships to blossom. This could happen for any number of reasons, and we each respond differently to relationships ending depending on the situation, the other person or people involved, and our general attitude or outlook about the situation and how we feel. Sometimes our reactions or emotional responses to the situation stem from clinging to the relationship even though we have outgrown it or it has become unhealthy or even toxic. This is where letting go comes in. Read on to learn more about mindfully letting go of relationships that no longer serve you.

By allowing for the separation despite it being potentially painful, sad, or full of escalating tempers, you take the momentum away from the negative emotions—if there are any—surrounding the situation and the person. If there aren’t any negative emotions surrounding the situation, for example if your relationship naturally grows apart, then there will be very little resistance to the end of what little remains. However, when you find yourself responding with resistance to the situation, it can often inadvertently make things worse.

Let me elaborate a little bit on this. Carl Jung said, “What you resist persists,” because of emotional resistance to a situation. This resistance can sometimes manifest as sadness and depression, but other times it can look like tempers flaring and an escalating situation where each side feels like it needs to fight for what’s right or get revenge rather than letting it be and moving on peacefully. This can cause a great deal of drama and additional pain, and sometimes make things worse between the people involved due to words and actions borne out of anger and pain.

To avoid this excessive amount of negative emotional energy and allow yourself to become peaceful about the situation, it helps to have a few different realizations along the way. These realizations are sometimes shocking when they really hit you, but they are also comforting in the face of dissolving closeness in a relationship.

Five Revelations to Help You Let Go

It is only after coming to understand certain things about ourselves versus other people that we can truly see that our purpose lies well beyond just staying in one place with one set of people our whole lives. Sometimes this means that we have to go through the discomfort of ending relationships for one reason or another, be it amicable or messy. Of course, amicable is always the goal, but it is nearly impossible to get to a place of amicable separation with toxic individuals, so you may need to settle for not having a resolution and allowing these individuals to keep their delusions and just care for them from afar, keeping yourself emotionally at a distance.

That being said, as mindful leaders, it is our job to rise above the chaos and respond in a way that is both loving and firm. If you are cutting ties with individuals who do not practice mindfulness, deep personal accountability, or setting healthy boundaries, then they will simply not understand what they are doing. As painful as this is to realize – and as much as it makes you almost want to look down on them for their ignorance – it simply is what it is, and the only one who can change how you feel about it is you. This ego flare up will pass as your journey continues, so don’t be alarmed if you experience a period of overt confidence and slight judgment. You’ll adjust as you settle into your higher level of consciousness and understanding.

Here are five revelations to help you get there.

1. Think of it this way… while you have been working on yourself, honing your skills, and practicing mindfulness and meditation to better yourself as a human being, they have remained stuck, running around a hamster wheel without a destination or a purpose, just running for seemingly no reason. Your perspective is much different from theirs, so don’t assume that they are even capable of seeing things the way that you see them, especially without conscious effort in their daily habits.

2. People will come and go throughout your entire life. Whether you remember these relationships fondly or with some discomfort depends a great deal on how the relationship ends or gets reprioritized. Understand that, in order to be true to yourself, you may need to offend a few people whom you have gotten close to after learning what you’ve needed to learn from your journey with them… and vice versa. Sometimes it’s a clean break, and other times it isn’t. However, it’s up to you not to exacerbate the emotions of the situation so that all parties can get out somewhat unscathed. If they choose to say or do things that do exacerbate the situation, don’t allow yourself to get sucked into the drama and revenge trap. It isn’t worth it.

3. Setting your priorities to best serve you and your needs is a good thing, even if it temporarily hurts others or makes them angry. If they can’t understand where you’re coming from, then why would you want them in your life in the first place? Their initial reaction may not be how they truly feel in the long run, but it may hurt, so be prepared for that when you tell them what your needs are and that those needs don’t include them.

4. If you have to draw a line, draw a line. Sometimes relationships end because someone does something that crosses a line with the other person morally or ethically. If someone has crossed a boundary that they can’t come back from, you may need to firmly stand your ground and make sure that the other party knows that they cannot do this to or around you, ever, and that it won’t fly. If it’s something relatively minor, a second chance may be given, but if it’s something life-altering or that completely changes the way you see them, it might be time to say goodbye, at least for a while.

5. You are the only person who will be with you for your entire life. Why is it that we neglect ourselves and our own needs so much? Many of us have been conditioned into catering to the needs of others before our own, as in the case of parents, siblings, bosses, or other authority figures. Our own needs come second which minimizes our self-worth in a very subconscious and insidious way. If you don’t advocate for yourself, no one will.

I realize that some of these truths are harsh to face, especially if you have experiences to reference back to that these words may have reminded you of. However, when you are able to develop your sense of inner peace and calm, being mindful during challenging situations will become easier and easier, making it effortless to go with the flow of people and circumstances your life presents you with. Remember that it’s all about the journey, so all you have to do is remain mindful within each moment as much as possible and be true to yourself. Don’t worry about anybody else (unless you have kids, of course, but you know what I mean). All the strength and power and love you could ever imagine lies within you, and you are appreciated.

For more information about the Mindfulness Movement or the International Mindfulness Federation, please visit:

http://executivecoachinguniversity.com/mindfulness-movement

Let’s talk for a moment about the concept of letting go. When most of us consider letting go, we look at the thing we want to let go of without looking at the underlying reasons why that thing is so difficult to let go of. It becomes an impossible task to break a habit, simply because we are comforted and soothed by that habit and haven’t addressed the emotional issue causing this dependency on things that aren’t necessarily good for us. These habits can run the gamut from nail biting to drug addiction, but many of them are caused by hidden emotional trauma or subconscious conditioning or programming. Those internal things are what cause the dependency on whatever habits we have a hard time giving up, so it stands to reason that those are the things we should address in our mindfulness efforts, not merely the surface habits. Knowing this, we can finally begin to move forward with letting go of habits that don’t serve us.

This sounds like a lot of work, getting to what’s underneath it all, and make no mistake: the more unresolved issues you have, the more work you will need to do within yourself to address, release, and replace the habits that don’t serve you with habits that do. You can begin to determine which habits don’t serve you well based on the way they make you feel overall. Let’s take a shopping addiction as an example. Society likes to joke around about “retail therapy,” which makes this a habit that is not taken as seriously as it probably should be because we live in a society that promotes consumerism. However, that doesn’t mean that a shopping addiction is healthy or that you can’t choose to be a different way. And this goes for anyone who feels trapped by one or more bad habits; your definition of a bad habit will be different from others’ definitions of it, and as the above quote states, everyone is different and this is a complex topic.

To help you determine whether you want to phase out a particular habit or not, we have to first consider where the habit comes from, and where your belief about the habit comes from. For example, if you grew up with a parent who smoked but whom you also admired, you might subconsciously believe that smoking is admirable or makes you look a certain way. Realizing that this is only your conditioned belief about the habit can help you work through the layers of subconscious beliefs and begin letting them go. You might ask yourself, “Is smoking really an admirable trait? Does it really make me look cool, or do I just look gross?” You may also begin to condition yourself out of it by looking at graphic smoker lung photos, hearing people hacking up their lungs constantly, or otherwise making it seem disgusting to yourself so you become discouraged on a conscious level.

Maybe smoking isn’t your habit, so let’s go over a few basic questions you can take some time to reflect on when you’re looking at your habits and determining which ones to change. Any time we discuss inner work, being completely honest with yourself is paramount. You don’t have to tell anyone anything, but be honest with yourself.

1. When do you tend to participate in this particular habit? Is it when you’re stressed, sad, depressed, lonely, ambivalent, confused, stuck, etc.? Be very specific about how you feel and where that feeling might originate from. If you have flashes of memories or feel on the verge of a breakthrough, write it down.

2. How do you feel while you indulge in this habit versus shortly afterwards? Do you feel guilt or shame after partaking in this habit?

3. Why do you think that this habit is bad? Is it because you really think so, someone else convinced you (for example, a religious parent telling their child something is bad or a sin even when it isn’t; think Stephen King’s story, Carrie), or because you actually know, within yourself, based on educated research, that this habit is hurting you in the long run?

4. What experiences have you had around other people with the same habit? Have those experiences been mostly positive, and maybe you feel like you’ll miss out if you don’t continue the habit? Or have they been mostly negative and you use this habit to punish yourself subconsciously, for example any time you think you fail?

5. How do you feel about simply replacing your negative or bad habits with positive or good habits? Going back to the smoking example, maybe instead of smoking, you choose to go for a walk or do ten minutes of yoga when you have that urge. This is one way to less painfully phase out bad habits and develop good ones: replace the existing bad habit with a new good habit.

With these questions, you can determine where your habit comes from, why you do it, and whether you’re being true to yourself and your potential or not. You can also begin to understand the emotional aspects of why these habits get stuck, part of which is subconscious conditioning. Figuring out how you’ve been conditioned by your surroundings, experiences, and the people in your life can help you to create any changes you want to.

Be aware that beginning this journey into changing your habits can be challenging and may bring out some interesting responses among the people you surround yourself with. Self-improvement is a lifelong process, so don’t let anyone discourage you no matter who they are or how much you think they mean the best for you. It is extremely common for people to develop codependent relationships that have to be broken and rebuilt when those habits change, which can and most likely will make some waves and create some drama. Depending on how enmeshed everyone involved is, this could last for a while and cause all manner of problems.

Remaining strong throughout this process is difficult, so you may or may not relapse and slip backwards a couple of times. However, this is the part where you have to forgive yourself and remember you did it before, so you can do it again, and it will be fine. Loving the part of yourself that is attracted to this habit is important as well, so don’t judge yourself too harshly or beat up on yourself for anything. That will only prolong the process of getting back on the horse, so to speak. Forgiving yourself and understanding that your bad habit or addiction isn’t you will help a great deal.

Habits are the foundation of major life changes. A little effort every day can make a massive amount of difference in the big picture, so creating your life around habits you want to be sure to have each and every day is the best way that you can change anything you want to. After a week or two, the habits begin to become effortless, as long as they are maintained every day. If you skip out on them for too long, they will become more challenging to pick back up, so do what you need to do to take good care of yourself and manifest the life of your dreams, one habit at a time.

For more information about the Mindfulness Movement or the International Mindfulness Federation, please visit:

http://executivecoachinguniversity.com/mindfulness-movement

If you’re like so many of us are and weren’t necessarily taught how to set boundaries or why they’re important as a child growing up, then you may find that starting this journey of setting boundaries can be a bit rocky at first. This can happen for countless reasons, but often times a big part of it is the breaking down and dissolution of codependent and unhealthy relationships, which must be deconstructed before being rebuilt with healthy conscious behaviors. This breakdown can be painful and often stressful, which is where ongoing self-care and mindfulness practices can be extremely helpful. Keep in mind that none of this is as scary as it sounds in the long run, and your unique journey is just that: a journey. It is in learning to be at peace throughout our travels that we can maintain our sense of purpose and direction even if our outside circumstances tempt us to react with fear and overwhelm. Let’s explore how compassion can help us to be more assertive, even if that seems counterintuitive at first.

Sometimes when we first realize just how much we have allowed others to cross our boundaries, the initial reaction might be anger, outrage, or even shock, especially if people you’re trying to set boundaries with react with their own anger, revenge, and other fear-based behaviors. As painful as it is to say it, this is somewhat normal for people to encounter. Unfortunately, even the best of us falter under pressure, so if we are prone to allowing ourselves to react or our filter breaks down due to lack of habitual training, we might just lash out right back at them. This can lead to an escalating situation, and someone has to back down or stop giving energy and attention to it before its momentum slows down and the situation can be resolved more calmly and effectively.

It’s never too late... the caveat to that being the longer you wait, the more challenging it can be to resolve underlying issues. But it’s never too late. If not now, then when? And if not you, then who? Remember, the only person you have any control over is yourself.

When the time comes to talk things through and try to get to a common understanding, you will most definitely need to practice setting boundaries in conversation, with compassion but also with assertiveness. To prepare yourself and go forward with confidence and resolve, I’d like to suggest that you practice saying statements to tell people no and stand up for your rights and freedoms as a human being.

Prepare Yourself with Assertive Statements

Preparation and practice are important no matter what it is you’re doing. It’s no different with inner work and mindfulness, and getting accustomed to using words and phrases like this will help you to rewire your thought patterns and ease the anxiety that saying these things might cause for you if you’ve never practiced real assertiveness before. Relax... you’ve got this. You can do this, and getting a little practice can’t hurt.

1.      “Thank you so much for asking me; unfortunately, I simply can’t right now.”

2.      “I wish I could, but I can’t.”

3.      “Can you please get back to me on that later?”

4.      “I’m unable to make that kind of commitment right now.”

5.      “Well, I can’t do that, but I might be able to help you with....”

6.      “I’m going to say no for now, but I’ll let you know if anything changes.”

7.      “I wish I could help you, but I just don’t have that to give right now.”

8.      “No.”

Remember that you don’t have to agree to anything that makes you feel bad or that you simply can’t agree to for whatever reasons. This is well within your rights as a human being, and it’s up to you to put that right into practice and step into your power. Using words and phrases like these will allow you to say no when you need to with compassion and grace. Or you can simply say, “No,” and that’s it.

Was that so bad? How do you feel after asserting yourself? Can you recall a time in your life when you did assert yourself and things turned out well? It may help to remember such an experience and replay it in your mind when you find yourself needing to do it again. This will help you remember how strong you are... and that you have the ability to pleasantly surprise yourself any time you want to.

To learn more about the Mindfulness Movement and the International Mindfulness Federation, please visit:

http://executivecoachinguniversity.com/mindfulness-movement

One important aspect of setting personal boundaries is knowing what you don’t want, but also knowing what you DO want. It isn’t enough to only know what you don’t want... that’s the easy part. The challenge is to see the other side of that coin and determine what it is that you DO want, with enough specifics to provide guidance but not so many as to be rigid and inflexible about the ways in which your life plays out. Being too rigid in your expectations opens the door to obsessive perfectionism, which can then keep you stuck within the confines of those limitations and leave you wondering why things aren’t working out the way you imagined they would. In this article, I’d like to talk a little bit about how to determine what you stand for and set your boundaries with others while being mindful of yourself.

If you find yourself putting in effort to nurture a relationship with someone who does not return the same nurturing to you, what do you do? Would you talk to them about it and try to resolve the issue? Would you keep your pain hidden to protect the other person from getting hurt? Or would you skip the formalities and simply detach and walk away? The same solutions don’t always apply and it depends a lot on your situation, but the key is to know intuitively and through discernment what’s going to be the best solution for your particular situation. And because we find ourselves in a wide variety of situations and have to learn to say no more often than not, it helps to have trust in ourselves and our ability to figure things out while also knowing what to do in which situation to best protect ourselves and maintain personal boundaries, which coincide with self-respect on a very deep level.

No matter what situation you find yourself in, setting and maintaining personal boundaries usually comes down to one decision:

1.      Accept the behavior and make peace with it (pick your battles).

2.      Detach emotionally and see what happens before making a final decision.

3.      End the relationship and walk away.

(From Sharon Martin, LCSW)

In order to get to a point where you know what to do in most – if not all – situations you find yourself in, you have to determine which behaviors are acceptable to you and which ones are not. You don’t have to imagine every possible scenario and write a prediction list... this will only serve to confuse you further and utilizes too much of the logical mind and ego as opposed to your heart and soul, your true self.

The best way to go about this is by getting to a point where you trust yourself to make those decisions in the moment rather than trying to plan for unforeseen circumstances with your mind, which is nearly impossible. Aside from that, everyone’s boundaries are different, so running scenarios may not be helpful for everyone. Instead, here are a few questions and points you may want to consider as you determine how to set your boundaries and what they are.

3 Ways to Begin Standing for Yourself

1.      Think back and introspect about certain times or events within your life where you felt like your boundaries were violated by someone but you didn’t speak up for yourself. The further back you can go with this introspection, the more likely you are to find the root cause of it and be able to release that pain by making the decision to love yourself anyway. Forgive yourself and anyone else involved, and let go of any guilt, shame, or regret you may be holding about the situation. Don’t beat up on yourself for not speaking up; it won’t serve any purpose. Just feel the way you feel about it, then make the conscious decision to stop carrying all that emotional weight around with you.

2.      Practice saying no and letting people down tactfully. If there’s a line that you don’t want other people to cross, you must speak up and make sure that you aren’t allowing others to violate your boundaries by default. This is all too common a problem, especially for those of us who have experienced emotional abuse or manipulation in the past, which often causes us to have poor boundaries ourselves and go to one extreme or another, either becoming over-sharers because that allows us to shift the blame to others when we feel our boundaries have been violated, or completely cut off from others because not dealing with people is much easier than having to develop boundaries. Setting boundaries can be especially difficult if you’ve been a people pleaser at any point in your life, so practicing what you will say is a great way to take the edge off of having to say it in a real interaction with someone.

3.      Take some time to define what is absolutely unacceptable to you, then flip it around and use those ideas to determine what you actually want. While knowing what we don’t want is a good start, it isn’t enough if you want to attract people into your life who do respect your boundaries and treat you with respect. These are all things that you must decide and determine for yourself, as each of us is different. Only you can decide how you want to be treated and how you don’t want to be treated, so this is worth taking some time to write about and really do some soul searching over.

These decisions are not easy. As a matter of fact, they are typically more difficult than you might think. Being aware and mindful of yourself and those around you will allow you to make clearer and clearer decisions about what you will put up with and what you won’t. Don’t be afraid of a rocky start when you begin drawing lines; codependent and toxic relationships will reveal themselves, and that’s where you will need to be able to make the decision to walk away and live in peace or stay and live with constant button-pushing and boundary violations. No matter what your situation or circumstance might be, know that you are worthy of so much more, and that you are deserving of unconditional love, joy, and abundance in this life and throughout eternity. You are loved. You are worthy. And yes... you can do this.

To learn more about the Mindfulness Movement and the International Mindfulness Federation, please visit:

http://executivecoachinguniversity.com/mindfulness-movement

As many of us have likely experienced, especially if we were raised in any kind of dysfunctional family system (which many—if not all—of us were), our boundaries can be violated by another person and leave us confused and reeling without necessarily understanding why. Oftentimes this leads to blaming other people for our emotions, which are not their responsibility, just like their emotions are not our responsibility. This is actually detrimental to our growth and evolution as a human being because it stunts individuation and reinforces the victim mentality and blame shifting game that makes so many of us feel like we’re running our legs off without actually getting anywhere. So, how can you begin setting healthier boundaries for yourself? The first step is getting to know your true self.

What do I mean when I say your true self as opposed to your false self? What is the false self? Well, the false self is a crudely constructed version of us that is based on the ego, cultural, societal, and family conditioning, life experiences, and the brain’s uncanny ability to predict which reaction might be appropriate for whatever circumstance you find yourself in, typically triggering an over-reactive fight or flight response that can wreak havoc on our lives if left unchecked. The true self is you, at your core level, your soul, which is suppressed or hidden by the ego and all of its false constructs. The inner workings of the human body, mind, and spirit are incredibly fascinating to learn about, and one of the most incredible aspects of being human is the fact that no one else except for you can experience the journey, pain, and illumination of the inner work you do.

So, what does this mean in practical terms? How can you learn who you truly are at your core versus the skewed, flat character everyone around you told you that you were for your entire life? If you base your opinions of yourself on what people around you tell you is “true,” then you have a ways to go (but don’t feel bad... the vast majority of us have a ways to go!). Let’s take a look at some practical habits you can begin implementing to truly get to know who you are at the soul level.

5 Ways to Get to Know Your Soul Self

1.      Do not allow others’ opinions to dictate your life.
Make your own decisions based on your inner knowing or intuition as well as utilizing your mind for logical evaluation without judging any of the emotions that may come up. Some of this work can be challenging or painful, so be prepared to have layers of understanding begin to peel back and sometimes shock you with new knowledge of yourself and the ways in which various types of subconscious conditioning and programming have altered your perception of reality. It is fine to seek out an expert if you need specific guidance or help, but it helps to be on the same or a similar wavelength with this expert so that the advice or input you need will resonate with you rather than throw you off track.

2.      Stop allowing other people to tell you how you feel (or don’t).
People are not mind readers and do not know how you feel from their perspective outside of you, and it’s illogical to believe that they do. Be wary of unconscious statements such as, “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re overreacting.” “You’re too emotional.” “Stop letting your emotions control you.” These types of statements are often used by people who are as of yet unaware of the rich inner landscape that you are working on (typically because they have not begun developing their own yet). The fact of the matter is that they have no clue and the only reason they think they do is because you allow them to tell you how you feel rather than acknowledging your own emotions as they are, not as they are perceived by others outside of yourself.

3.      Don’t project or dictate to someone else how they feel.
It is definitely possible to understand how someone else may feel within a certain circumstance and to put yourself in this person’s shoes. However, try not to make any assumptions about their words or actions and opt to fully listen rather than talk. If you find yourself feeling a certain way about something, bring up how you feel without blaming it on another person. You may choose to say something like, “Sometimes I feel like...” This leaves the other person feeling more at ease because you’re not blaming them for your own emotional state, but it also alerts them to things that they might be saying or doing to cross one of your boundaries. This is a subtle but excellent method for people who are self-aware and have a deeper understanding of the inner landscape.

4.      Stop giving your energy and attention to people whose approval you are chasing.
If you have people in your life who keep you constantly chasing after their affection, approval, or love, you might be dealing with someone who doesn’t experience emotions the same way you do and may not have the self-awareness or capacity for doing the inner work you’re doing. There are many different types of unconscious people who are playing specific roles that their lives have conditioned them into, and if they haven’t begun doing any inner work for themselves, you cannot change them or force them to begin, nor can you expect a conscious, self-aware interaction with someone who does not possess those qualities or do the work to develop them. That’s okay; there’s nothing inherently “wrong” or “bad” about this, but if you fall into the trap of chasing the approval of an unconscious being, you are giving your power and energy away without any hope for future return on that investment. Just remember, you cannot control how someone outside of yourself chooses to respond to you. So why would you expend all that energy trying to make someone else see what you see when you could be utilizing your energy for your own growth or to nurture relationships that aren’t as unbalanced?

5.      Begin to peel back the layers of epiphany about how you were programmed by society, culture, life, and experiences.
If you’re brave enough to take this step, you will probably already guess that this is a marathon, a journey, a process. Realizing your own subconscious conditioning (and that yes, YOU can actually change it) is something that is often painful and very revealing about yourself, your tendencies, and the traps you fall into throughout life. This often presents itself as behavioral patterns and circumstances that repeat themselves again and again until you’ve learned the deeper lesson you were supposed to learn. If you don’t learn the lesson, the circumstances will come back around again and often become more and more extreme until either you learn what you need to learn or you bury yourself further... or sometimes worse. Making a conscious effort to uncover these uncomfortable and sometimes painful truths about yourself and your life is the only way to completely rewrite your own programming and fully step into your power and be your true soul self.

I hope that this article helps you to begin to get to know your inner self, your soul, so that you may begin your own healing journey from within. It’s not enough to see the effects of your conditioning within the life around you; most people don’t make the connection between the inner and outer worlds unless they are at least a little self-aware. The more awareness and mindfulness we cultivate, the more inner work we can do, and the closer we get to becoming the greatest version of ourselves.

To learn more about the Mindfulness Movement and the International Mindfulness Federation, please visit:

http://executivecoachinguniversity.com/mindfulness-movement

We teach people outside of ourselves how to treat us through setting and enforcing personal boundaries. On a subconscious level, this also teaches us that we have worth and are willing to fight for ourselves, which shows us that we love ourselves and feel worthy and valued. Whether we’re doing this on a conscious or subconscious level doesn’t matter; we are always doing it. However, once we learn about this practice and decide to go forward on purpose, we may find our lives improving a great deal because we’re drawing lines to let others know what’s okay and what isn’t. Not only is this empowering, it also allows you to lead a much healthier and happier life.

No one can read minds, so when we feel a certain way after someone says or does something and expect them to know how we feel automatically (which doesn’t typically happen), we’re essentially setting ourselves up for failure. Why? Well, because when you don’t speak up about how something made you feel, the other person doesn’t know what’s what and will simply go on thinking that his or her behaving that way is acceptable to you. The sooner you draw that line and start enforcing it, the sooner the other person will learn that whatever it was they were doing doesn’t fly with you.

In essence, boundaries are simply knowing your limits and making those limits known to people whom you get close to. With that being said, let’s take a look at some of the reasons why setting and maintaining boundaries is so important.

1. Boundaries help you to clearly define where your experience ends and someone else’s experience begins. This helps you to keep things in perspective as well as remaining empathetic without taking everything on as your own.

2. Boundaries also help you to fully realize that the only person or life you have control over is your own. This can help you to avoid becoming codependent or enmeshed in unhealthy relationships with others.

3. Boundaries help you to take better care of yourself and your own needs, which in turn allows you to have a better quality of relationships with people who truly care about you rather than falling into the trap of codependency... or worse.

4. Boundaries help us to fully recognize our own experience, which helps us to be accountable to ourselves and own our thoughts, words, and actions completely.

5. Last but not least, boundaries help us to become and embody our true selves. This has a number of benefits, including but not limited to finally attracting and maintaining truly loving and balanced relationships, not only with other people but also with ourselves.

Personal boundaries are largely based on your emotional responses to interactions with other people. However, they also allow you to look at how you’re feeling without judging your own emotions. Utilizing your discernment, you can then determine whether something is worth bringing up or not, which is also known as picking your battles. This is slightly different from determining whether you should tell someone yes or no, but along the same lines.

When you begin to construct your personal boundaries with intention, you will likely find yourself taking better care of your mind, body, and spirit, your health, and the most important aspects, your time and energy. Your time and energy are your most valuable assets, and though your energy can be recharged, your time cannot be given back. This is why it’s so important to practice mindfulness and what is sometimes referred to as sacred selfishness (you can read a book of the same title by Bud Harris, PhD) – caring for yourself first so that you can better take care of others. This is the most effective way to thrive rather than only survive in this amazing life.

Please come back next week for another article about boundaries. Throughout December, we will be discussing healthy boundaries, how to set them, and what some of the repercussions might be as you do so. These repercussions tie into change resistance, which we’ve covered here before, but the focus here will be on self-care and boundaries so that you can have the healthiest, most loving relationships possible.

To learn more about the Mindfulness Movement and the International Mindfulness Federation, please visit:

http://executivecoachinguniversity.com/mindfulness-movement

Sometimes we’re faced with life circumstances that may just seem like a string of bad luck or a series of unfortunate events. In this case, there may not be anyone to blame and there may not even be anyone to take responsibility for what’s happening; not without taking on responsibility that isn’t even their own. If this is the case, it can seem like life is out to get you, you may feel like you’re cursed, or you may even feel like your higher power is against you. Although this isn’t unnatural, it definitely isn’t healthy to get stuck there, so let’s take a look at how you can let go of challenging circumstances and reframe your mindset to attract better circumstances rather than dwelling on hardship and therefore attracting more hardship.

A big part of the reason why this specific type of forgiveness is so vital is because, when there’s no one to blame or take responsibility, it tends to instill a sense of powerlessness and victim mentality because we feel like we are at the mercy of life and the universe. The truth is that, in some circumstances, there just simply isn’t anything we can do, which tends to drive people a little crazy with worry and fear. In these cases, we tend to adopt the attitude of, “well, when life stops screwing me over, then I’ll stop worrying.” This thinking is backwards when you look at it from the perspective of law of attraction – the external world changes after we adjust our own emotional state of being, not the other way around, which is why the rich keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer, as the most obvious example.

It all starts within, which can be easier said than applied because – let’s be honest – it can be challenging to adjust your emotional state when everything around you seems to be falling apart. However, the more attention and emotional energy you give to the worry and anxiety about a situation, the more the situation will expand to give you more of the same energy, essentially reflecting your attitude back to you in the physical world.

Here are a few tips to help you adjust your emotional state so that you can begin pulling yourself out of whatever challenging life circumstances you may find yourself in and get back to being productive and happy from within.

1.      Remember that you don’t have control over anything outside of yourself; you only have control over your own thoughts and state of being. This makes it easier to discern between what is worth worrying about and what isn’t. Even if something is “worth” worrying about, giving it more than a few seconds of thought actually does more harm than good, so rather than actively worrying about something, try letting it go and just make the decision to stay open and alert to opportunities that come your way that are solution-oriented for your particular situation.

2.      If it’s no one’s fault, stop looking for someone or something to blame. Instead of focusing on whose fault something is, you can actively work through your stages of acceptance about the issue and let it go. Sometimes these problems will work themselves out in surprising ways. As an example, a few months ago I was working as a waitress at a local restaurant, and I’d received a letter stating that some of my personal information may have been compromised by an identity thief. I had nothing to my name, so I didn’t worry about it because there was nothing I could do. After my first two weeks of working, I was expecting my first direct deposit, but my bank closed my account the day before and I ended up just cashing a paper check, thinking how lucky it was that the timing was so perfect because it also alleviated my worries about the little money I did have ending up stolen. I simply opened a new account at a bank that was closer to where I lived anyway, and that was that. I never heard another word about it. Funny how things work out, right?

3.      Any life circumstances that you are facing are meant to teach you something about yourself and your life (and how to live it in ways that best serve you and your divine purpose). They are also meant to lead you from one step to the next and to the next, in order to get you to wherever it is you’re going. Watching life unfold with a sense of curiosity and eagerness to learn feels much better than worrying, resisting, and inadvertently creating more trouble for yourself. The more attention and emotional energy you give to the negative stuff, the more it will grow and present itself within your life.

4.      Forgive your life circumstances and let go of whatever resentment and feelings of being cursed you may have. The universe always says, “Your wish is my command,” so yes is the answer across the board. The thing is that you have to know what you want (for most of us it’s simply happiness, love, and freedom) and direct your emotional state of being to feel that way in advance so that you are able to receive more of the things that will support this emotional state. If you feel like life is against you, the higher power you believe in is against you, or the world is against you, then you will receive more of the circumstances to “prove” that as being the truth. Once you can understand this, it becomes more important to focus on how you’re feeling and make sure you do what you have to for yourself in order to cultivate happiness and peace within so it is reflected in your outer world.

5.      Develop stronger faith in your journey. You don’t have to focus on religion or deities to utilize the power of faith – just believe in your life and yourself, and trust in your own ability to figure things out even if the solutions aren’t obvious at first. I like to think of it as an incubation period... everything I need will find me in the exact, perfect timing that will serve my life for the absolute greatest good. This mindset alone has opened me up to receiving various miracles in my life, some big and some small, and mindful self-awareness has allowed me to see the seemingly magical connections throughout my life and reverse engineer my “evidence” that this truly works if you commit to it and allow the laws of the universe to work for you rather than you stubbornly pushing against them (like most of us tend to do at first because we like to be right and gather evidence that we are).

Knowing these things can help you to reframe your mindset and begin focusing on more positive aspects of your circumstances so that you no longer give the negative aspects all the power. Working toward acceptance and letting go of your need for control will allow life’s amazing opportunities to flow to you much more easily. Forgiving your life circumstances is part of the process of getting there, and rather than being angry or depressed about things, try to stay focused on productivity, happiness, and keeping the faith in your journey and your amazing ability to figure things out. We all have an incredible ability to solve problems and be innovative when we need to be; training yourself to tap into this faith will organically grow your level of confidence and allow you to move through challenges much more quickly.

Thanks for joining us here on the Mindful Leader Blog! I hope that you’ve found this month’s articles about forgiveness useful, and that you will join us in December for more on mindful leadership practices.

To learn more about the Mindfulness Movement and the International Mindfulness Federation, please visit:

http://executivecoachinguniversity.com/mindfulness-movement

Forgiving yourself is an extremely valuable tool on your journey to being the best version of yourself. This goes hand in hand with personal accountability for your portion of responsibility in whatever situation you’re dealing with. True healing takes admitting at least your part in whatever is happening while also recognizing the other person’s part, and remembering that none of us are perfect. As a mindful leader, it is part of your duty to pay attention and be aware of each side of the story as much as you can. Sometimes it takes a little time and inner work to get there, but with practice, you can get there almost instantaneously if you focus. Let’s explore how forgiving yourself will ultimately make you a much stronger, wiser, and more patient and understanding individual.

One of the first things to realize is that many of us tend to beat up on ourselves about what we’ve done wrong for much longer than is necessary, which creates an inner environment that opens you up to people taking advantage of you because they know they can do whatever they want, but you’ll take the blame and responsibility for it... because that’s just the good-hearted type of person that you are. Having said that, this gives you all the more reason to develop a healthy and appropriate length of time to process your portion of responsibility rather than moving into martyr mode.

Your inner critic can be very noisy and – quite frankly – a nuisance until you practice mindfulness and self-awareness and recognize that this is all just part of being human. None of us are perfect, and keeping this in mind allows you to forgive yourself as well as others much more quickly. Love yourself despite your mistakes, and keep them in perspective by taking a bird’s eye view of the whole situation rather than just the piece of it that you feel is your fault. Remember that the best thing you can do for yourself is learn from the experience and move on. Dwelling in guilt, shame, and fear is actually unhealthy and detrimental to your effectiveness as a person, the message you have to share, as well as eating away at your sense of self-worth, so why make life more difficult for yourself through this kind of subconscious self-programming?

On that note, let’s take a look at a few things you can do to help you forgive yourself and move on to solutions and lessons learned, that way you have the tools to handle things in a more constructive way later, as well as being unlikely to make the same mistake again.

Elements of Self-Forgiveness to Keep in Mind

·         In order to make the most of your self-forgiveness, it’s a good idea to begin from a place of calm and peace, preferably where you remember that you are (and deserve to be – we all do) loved unconditionally. Whether this unconditional love comes from yourself, your spirit or inner being, or an individual that is close to you, tap into that feeling of being loved unconditionally. This is the foundation.

·         Next, remember your strength and positive attributes or traits. Are you patient? Understanding? Wise? Practical? This could be anything that you love about yourself and can remember demonstrating at some point or another in a life situation. These are things you know to be true and can be confident in, which in turn will make it easier to admit fault that is actually yours, forgive yourself, and move on.

·         Remember to look at the situation in context and take full responsibility for whatever it is that you need to forgive yourself for. If it was a simple mistake involving your skills, then there’s no need to beat yourself up over it. Simply learn from the mistake, correct it if you can, and do better next time. If it was a moral conflict, make sure that you feel appropriate guilt and shame, but no more. Nursing these feelings can open you up to all kinds of problems later on, so don’t prolong the healing process unnecessarily.

·         Pay close attention to the parts of your experience that are especially painful, as this is where deeper healing takes place. Look at what happened and feel the pain and guilt, but imagine yourself shining a loving light onto it and realizing that, without doing this, you are much more likely to get stuck in the negative cycle of beating yourself up over it.

·         Take responsibility for your part in things and acknowledge the aspects of the situation that you aren’t responsible for. Then consider what you’ve done already to try to rectify the situation, and do anything else that you feel you must in order to mend fences. If you’ve already done everything in your power, then the rest is outside of your control and there’s no point in dwelling on it more. At that point, it’s senseless and does more harm than good. If there’s more that you can do, then do it – not only for the other person involved, but also for yourself. Knowing you’ve done everything you could will help you to learn from the experience and move on.

·         That brings me to the idea of learning everything you can from the situation and then releasing it. Letting go of trying to control the outcome of the situation will allow you to move on and do better the next time you’re faced with a similar situation.

Be honest with yourself and do what you can, but don’t allow your inner critic or self-deprecating thoughts to lull you into a false sense of over-responsibility. No one human being is required to carry the weight of the world, but if you continuously don’t forgive yourself, then it may very well feel like you have the world on your shoulders. This feeling can become crippling over time; the more weight you add with every misstep or mistake, the heavier your burden will be. This infringes very much on your ability to help others, and as a mindful leader, this will likely have a ripple effect on every area of your life.

I hope that these ideas help you to reach a place of forgiving yourself much more quickly. One of the most important aspects is to feel the feelings you feel, acknowledge them, and then let them go so that you can move on to do much better in your life as a whole. This is part of the work that allows you to be better than you were the day, week, or even month before, and oftentimes, steps and layers are required in order to fully reach this peace. You can only work your way from one step to the next; there’s no jumping up the entire staircase to reach the top without learning the lessons you learn along the way. Abraham-Hicks refers to this as being ready to be ready to be ready... because you can’t get there from where you are without taking the steps necessary, and life tends to lead us to exactly the steps we need for growth and inner peace... usually with absolutely perfect timing (whether we can see it in the thick of it or not).

Thank you so much for joining us today on the Mindful Leader Blog! I hope you’re having a wonderful week, and please come back next week for another article about forgiveness.

To learn more about the Mindfulness Movement and the International Mindfulness Federation, please visit:

http://executivecoachinguniversity.com/mindfulness-movement